I usually stay away from the touchy-feely positive psych literature because a lot of it is based on what people want to hear rather than solid research and effective principles. But this one is really excellent.
It talks about the difference between self-esteem and
self-compassion and how they each have different impacts on your behavior. What makes this particularly relevant to me
is that I have always been a proponent (and exemplar) of the high self-esteem
population. There is a good deal of
solid research showing the confident people get ahead, in part because you try
harder when you expect to succeed and in part because when other people see you
as confident they are more likely to help you and have higher perceptions of
your performance (even when it is not justified).
But one of the perils of high self-esteem is that you set
yourself up to fail. Esteem is not quite
the same as confidence. Esteem is about
what you “are” rather than what you can “do.” When you are confident you believe you can
do. So if you fail, confidence allows
you to get back up and try again. But with
esteem if you fail, you may question whether you are really as good as you
think you are. My favorite quote from
the article is
“And of course you must be perfectly awesome in order
to keep believing that you are – so you live in quiet terror of making
mistakes, and feel devastated when you do.”
This questioning is
not a problem in the short term. But over time it can lead to an insidious
buildup of doubt. And when the doubt is
unconscious (which it usually is because of motivated reasoning and loss
aversion), you just go about your business as usual. At some point – CRASH. The crash could manifest as chronic
depression, anxiety, paranoia – any number of disordering thinking
pathways. Sometimes it doesn’t reach a
level that requires professional help, but it does impact your life negatively.
Contrast this with self-compassion. Self-compassion is NOT “letting yourself off
the hook.” But it IS cutting yourself
some slack when you don’t live up to your own high self expectations. The key to effective self-compassion is that
it is “non-evaluative”. Realism absolves
you from kicking your ego in the gut when you fail. I will try my damnedest to succeed in
everything that matters to me. And if I fail, that’s OK. I will get up and try again or find another
way to reach the same goal. As long as I
am always trying, and have goals I can live with, then it’s all good.
Too touchy-feely, or good advice? Let me know.
