I just finished reading Sam Harris’ book Lying. It is one of the “Things that make you go
hmmmmm” kinds of reads. He makes the
case that it is almost universally a bad idea to lie, even little white
lies. His claims fall into several
categories:
·
Lying decreases interpersonal trust. When you lie, anyone who knows you lied this
time, whether they are involved or not, are going to wonder if you are lying to
them later. This is particularly harmful
when it is a child that hears you lie, because they might not understand the
concept of a little white lie. And the
person you lied to, if they find out (which they often do), will really trust
you less.
·
Lying decreases the opportunity for the person
you lied to to make improvements. If you
are honest that someone really isn’t as funny, pretty, good dresser, smart, or
whatever, they have a chance to work on it and get better. But if you falsely convince them that they
are already good, them may not.
·
Lies reduce the opportunity for friends to learn
about each other. If you tell someone
you don’t like the birthday present they got for you, they may get a better one
next time because they learn more about you.
Same thing if you are honest that you don’t like chicken, don’t want to
see that movie, or whatever.
·
Being brutally honest can bring friends closer
because it can increase explicit trust.
Since it is so rare, the person might start looked to you for the one
sure thing for an honest opinion or advice.
·
There is a slippery slope to the “Big Lie.” The more you lie, the more likely you are to
lie in the future. This actually has
research behind it. When you lie, you
have to replenish your ego to keep from feeling guilty. So we rationalize it. This rationalization process spreads a little
bit mentally – we tell ourselves perhaps a little too strongly that the lie was for the best.
·
Lying decreases societal trust. How many of us have lost trust in important
institutions like politicians, financial advisors, corporations, medical
professionals in many cases, lawyers, priests. . .
·
Telling the truth when it would have been easier
to lie feels good. It can lead to
spiritual growth. And if you surprise
the person you are honest to, you may uplift them as well.
·
It takes mental workload to remember your
lies. The more you lie, the more you
have to remember. The complex web of
lies adds up. Keeping your brain active
in this way decreases your ability to perform other cognitive tasks, decreases
your willpower, your ability to think long term, and increases the risk of
chronic stress.
But he does identify three conditions where it is OK to lie:
·
When there is a clear subtext that you would be
telling the truth to by lying. So for
example when your aging spouse asks if she still looks beautiful and she is
really asking if you still love her. “Yes”
is the correct answer here.
·
In contexts where lying is part of the
game. When playing poker for example,
you can bluff.
·
In self-defense, such as telling a lie to a
mugger to save yourself from assault.
This was interesting to me because I really bought into most
of it and I think I will try to follow his lead. I am not a big fraud in general, but his
ideas about not telling little white lies is something I would like to try, at
least some of the time.
But where I will continue to disagree is the kinds of little
white lies that are discussed in the Talmud.
If memory serves from my high school Talmud class, there is a passage
that says “Every bride is beautiful.”
The meaning is that if a bride asks you if she looks beautiful, you
should assume that she does to the groom and that is all that matters. So if you don’t think so, it is
irrelevant. The correct answer here is that
the bride is beautiful. The debate in the
Talmud expands the context a little by thinking about what is in the best
interest of the person asking. If there
is nothing they can do about it or if lying might give them a little
self-confidence (such as before going into a job interview) then again the correct
answer is the positive one, not the brutally honest one. But if the brutal honest answer will allow
them to self-improve, then that is the correct answer, even if it makes you
feel bad to say it.
